Heartbeats

“Oh my god”, I screamed. I looked at the pregnancy test results and it showed a faint line in the positive. All I kept saying is, “it has to be false, it has to be false, and it just has to be false.” I hurried up and packed up my purse and keys and ran out the door. I didn’t care where I went, however I just had to get away from my apartment.

Earlier that morning I was on my way to school. I just had to pull my car over and get sick. I knew something was wrong, but I had no clue that I was pregnant. So I just turned around and started heading back home. I stopped by the dollar store and was going to get a few necessities for the house. I was walking so quickly through the store to get what I needed. While I was there I saw that pregnancy test. I had this weird feeling like I should buy it.

I started heading back to the apartment and took my groceries upstairs. I finished putting everything away and I took out the pregnancy test. Now this test was just a small white rectangle, and on top of that it was the cheapest one I could find. After I peed into a cup I dropped a small amount of urine on the test with the dropper provided. I just sat by the test and kept watching for the results. Then in like a minute or so I saw that second line, although it was faint it was there. All I could do was stand their and stare and just kept watching the test thinking it might change.

I left the house and went out to my car and headed out to my sisters. I drove the speed limit but it felt like I got out there quick. It was almost like I was not thinking and just driving. I walked in the side door and she was standing in the kitchen. “Ashley look at this”, I said. She just looked at it and laughed. “When did you take this? Ha-ha” she laughed. I explained to her what had happened that morning and when I took the test. She told me to go to Newark to help her watch her two kids while she ran in and paid her bills at a couple places. My sister had her two year old son and one year old daughter by the time she was twenty one. She was making it through life but it was not that easy. So I figured if I was pregnant that I would have someone close that has already went through everything.

She also had to go to Wal-Mart, but after that she was going to take me to Heartbeats.
Hanging out with my sister that day never seemed to end. The stores were much bigger than I had ever seen. Wal-Mart, a big retail store, which I usually go through quickly seemed to be forever going. It was not that packed but the time just flowed by slow.

After doing all the running she had to do we finally made it to Heartbeats. Heartbeats is just this little small building close to downtown Newark that helps people plan and care for their pregnancy. I could just tell my sister was wishing that I was pregnant. “Now I am not the only sister in the family with a baby” she said. “Mom and dad cant look bad on me if they don’t look bad on you”, as she kept going. The only thing I could really say was “I know I am not pregnant, because it is just not the right time or the right guy”. All I could think about was “Why me? Why can’t she just pop out another kid?”

I walked into the small office filled with toys and pamphlets of information, and I just felt scared. The caring lady at the desk with black hair and glasses greeted us, and asked if she can help?”” I just need a pregnancy test please”, I asked. She gave me a couple forms to fill out and told me to have a seat as she wrote my name down. The wait was only about three minutes until the nurse with a smile on her face in the room called me back. She was a young girl with blond hair and was really light spoken. She was like a librarian working at her desk.

I walked back and had to weigh in then was led to a small room, where she sat me down. It was not a regular doctor’s office, but more of a room with a kitchen table in the middle with books on the outside walls. Then she told me what she was going to do. “I am going to have you pee in a cup and drop the urine in the test yourself, and I will just watch you take it”, she said. As I walked down the narrow but lightly painted hallways I was scared and did not know what to think. I went into the bathroom and peed into the cup. I carried the cup out and went and sat it on the counter right outside the bathroom where she told me.

The next part is when I found out that my life was going to be changed forever. I picked up the dropper and put a small drop of urine on the test. Anticipated for the results we both watched the test. With a smile on her face she said, “What does it look like to you”? I hesitated and said, “One line yes, I must not be pregnant.” “No I see another line, don’t you?” she said. My mouth dropped, and I just couldn’t believe that she saw another line. I saw the line, but I just didn’t want to believe her. She made me throw the trash away and put the test in a plastic baggy.

I went back to the room where I waited for her to come and talk to me. The first thing she said was, “Do you have any plans for what you are going to do with the baby?” “Plans? I don’t even want to be pregnant. How am I supposed to know already what I am going to do with it?” I said. I was in shock when I found out. I just stood there and almost looked like I couldn’t even think. She explained information about what I can do, help I can get, and the stuff I had to start doing when I am pregnant. I just there and let it go in one ear and out the other. “Are you sure the test is not wrong? What are the chances that I could have two wrong tests?” I asked. That was the main question on my mind; however, I just kept asking it in different ways and hopped that I would get a different answer. “It might be, so you can go to the real doctors and they will tell you the correct results, but it is 99% positive that you are pregnant”, the nurse kind of giggled out.

After we were done talking she let me pick out a pair of boots for the baby. The bootees were hand crocheted by an old woman and came in many different colors to choose from. So I picked the most neutral color, and that was green. She also told me my due date was July 25th, 2009. I walked out to the waiting room and just looked at my sister and said, “Yep, I’m pregnant, so let’s go home.” I had to come back that following Monday to pick up my proof of pregnancy.

The rest of the day I just thought about me being pregnant. It didn’t ever sink in to my head that I am about to be a mother, and still today I don’t think it has sunk in to the fullest. It probably won’t sink in until I have the baby actually come out and have to care for it myself. My plans still are not the greatest but I am trying to improve them as I go along. Just for now my intentions are to keep the child and care for it myself. I will have to get another apartment and get a job, but all that can be done. My mother and the rest of my family intend to help, so it might turn out to be an all right situation.

As I look at my pregnancy now I can actually think more about the idea. I am not so scared of “What are people or my parents going to think about this?” because I have told they and they are more than willing to help. I have to stay in school and maintain a job during all this. My parents see everything I have to do and think that I will do great. It may be hard to be an unprepared parent at this age, but I have to get everything ready. I know that I am not like the mothers that go into the pregnancy with the room, support, items needed all before they may even get pregnant. I have thought about and I am not like the mothers that have the baby and don’t have anyone or anything either. I am just about in the middle where I got a lot of stuff just I am more scared that I won’t make the best mother I could possibly be.