Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Embarising Moments

A lot of people feel that pregnacy is such a beuitiful and great event. You have the mothers that love getting pregant and even sometimes have children for people who can't. It is almost like when people see a pregnant women walking down the street, and everyone is like "Wow!". They say other things as they sound amazed almost like they never seen a pregnant women before. Being pregnant can start a lot of conversations with people that you don't know.

Well as you all ready know I am pregnant. I mean there is always some happy thoughts going through your head, because your about to me the mother of a child. Just think of you and your parents, and they tell you what to do or they are always nagging at you. Being a mother is when you have your own child to teach and give edvice to. It is something that you created or tought how to live.

After all that there is the actual period that you are carrying the kid. It is not all that fun to me. So many things can be embarrising or just not comfterable. One of the main things is you get bigger that what you were. I just want to always get something to eat. No I know I am eating for two, but that small little baby can't want to eat that much. If you were smaller when it started you might just loose all the wait you gained when you have your kid, but I wasn't that smaller when I satrted.

My face is horible from breakouts. A lot more pimples pop up out of no where. Now I still wash my face, but I try not to use a lot of cimicals. You even have a lot of growth in hair also. It can just show up anywhere or may just come in thicker.

I also get really picky and moody. Now it might just be me, but I haven't figured it out. It is kind of bad, but I got kicked out of the first resturant. My firend and I went out to eat at TJays. It was early and I was starving. The waitress just had her head down and was talking kind of stern and rude. Well after the waitress messed up my order three times, and still never got it right I was ready to go. My firend had allready ate all hers, and I just wanted to go some where else. On the account I didn't eat it I didn't want to pay for it. So I told her never mind and I just wanted to leave.

The mager had to take the meal of my bill. So I went up to pay for my dink and the manager said "So what was even wrong with it". I told her without getting rude, I just explained what happened. "Everyone makes mistakes, haha" , she said. I told her I was going to go somewhere else and just after the third time I was really hungry and didn't want to wait no longer. She just started laughing at me. So I said "This is not really that funny, I just wanted to go somewhere else. "This is just so commical" Then I sarted to get a little frusterated and acting a little rude. Now I never once started cousing or anthing. She was just told me to leave, after I kept explaining what was going on.

Then one of the last things I have to metion besides the usual having morning sickness, which is not just in the morning you get a lot of gas. Differnt things you eat or even dink. Sometimes you just can't help it. Like if I drink pepsi I can't help but just to burp. Sometimes it is not even the quiet ones and you just can't wait to go to the bathroom so no one hears.It does come out both ways though, so why do people see beauty in pregnacy.

Friday, February 20, 2009


I am reading a blog Life of a Young Pregnant Mom. She just wrote a blog called "cussed daddy out". It was about her conversation with the father of her unborn child. She wanted to let him know that everything was ok and just a quick conversation.

Well as she thought he said he was sick and hung up. She called him back and sussed him out. So it just starts the drama.

A lot of guys dont want anything to do with their child. They are not the one caringing them for 9 months. So i think the mother gets more attached. Then they cant just walk away from them, or loose the problem.

Then only thing the mother can do is have an abortion. But i dont understand how people go through will that. Killing a child would be horable.

I wish that the guy could care more and be there more for her. But you should always try to help yourself, so then you wont get stranded.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


I am alost 5 months pregnant, and I am really scared. Then more I look into the pregnacy I hear stories about other people. A lot of people actually go through the whole pregnacy without a problem, and they bring a new healthy baby. Then their are others who have complications and may have to have a miscarge. Some people may have an abortion, and other children die at young ages.

One of my close friends just went through a miscarrige. Her actual due date was January 31, 2009. When that day came she was devistated becasue she actually had an miscarrige.

The Hartford fair was going on in August and she went. While she was there she had really bad cramps and started to bleed. So her, her boyfriend, and her grandmother rushed to the hospital. The only thing that the hospital told her is that her baby was fine and they could hear the heartbeat, but as soon as her next doctors appoitment came to go. It was very important to get in and be seen.

Her next doctors appoitment came really soon. As her, her boyfriend, and grandma all went into the doctors. They did an ultra sound on her and found out that the baby was dead. The dead baby was just sitting inside her. The doctor told her that she could take a few days but, she would need to come in the hospital and deliver her child.

She went home and was trying to wait, but couldn't let the baby just sit inside her. She went to the hospital and delivered the child. She had to go through the proccess of birth, however she pushed out a dead child. One statement she made was that she could hold her child, but she will never forget this moment "It was her child, dead or alive".

Seeing the pictures and hearing stories has me scared. I want more than anything to have my child come out healthy. Hearing stories like this is devistaing even hard to beleive. I could never understand how some of these people feel and go on. But every parent wants their child to be healthy, including me.

Friday, February 13, 2009


The farther along I get in this pregnancy I start to think more. There’re other things I think about besides the usual being a good mother, money, and even who else is going to be there. I also start to think about “Why me”?

So I asked my mother “Why do you think I got pregnant”? Why couldn’t it be someone else other than me? How comes it happened now and not all the other possible times? All my mother could respond was “Have you ever heard everything happens for a reason”?

I have heard that saying before, but I just couldn’t ever see what the possible good reason would be. So now I just think about what good this will due me my having a baby at nineteen. If I look at all the possible things I am loosing out on, negative thoughts, bad things that could come from this I will probably never make a good thing of being pregnant.

Now if I actually sit and think about it I can see maybe why it would happen, and maybe it was for the best. I don’t think I can actually ever think of the exact reason, but I will come close. What if I was the going down the wrong path? What if it would make me and my family closer? What if it will improve my path that I am going down now? What if my kid is needed now here on earth? There are so many more reasons, however I wish I could no the right one.

Friday, February 6, 2009


“Oh my god”, I screamed. I looked at the pregnancy test results and it showed a faint line in the positive. All I kept saying is, “it has to be false, it has to be false, and it just has to be false.” I hurried up and packed up my purse and keys and ran out the door. I didn’t care where I went, however I just had to get away from my apartment.

Earlier that morning I was on my way to school. I just had to pull my car over and get sick. I knew something was wrong, but I had no clue that I was pregnant. So I just turned around and started heading back home. I stopped by the dollar store and was going to get a few necessities for the house. I was walking so quickly through the store to get what I needed. While I was there I saw that pregnancy test. I had this weird feeling like I should buy it.

I started heading back to the apartment and took my groceries upstairs. I finished putting everything away and I took out the pregnancy test. Now this test was just a small white rectangle, and on top of that it was the cheapest one I could find. After I peed into a cup I dropped a small amount of urine on the test with the dropper provided. I just sat by the test and kept watching for the results. Then in like a minute or so I saw that second line, although it was faint it was there. All I could do was stand their and stare and just kept watching the test thinking it might change.

I left the house and went out to my car and headed out to my sisters. I drove the speed limit but it felt like I got out there quick. It was almost like I was not thinking and just driving. I walked in the side door and she was standing in the kitchen. “Ashley look at this”, I said. She just looked at it and laughed. “When did you take this? Ha-ha” she laughed. I explained to her what had happened that morning and when I took the test. She told me to go to Newark to help her watch her two kids while she ran in and paid her bills at a couple places. My sister had her two year old son and one year old daughter by the time she was twenty one. She was making it through life but it was not that easy. So I figured if I was pregnant that I would have someone close that has already went through everything.

She also had to go to Wal-Mart, but after that she was going to take me to Heartbeats.
Hanging out with my sister that day never seemed to end. The stores were much bigger than I had ever seen. Wal-Mart, a big retail store, which I usually go through quickly seemed to be forever going. It was not that packed but the time just flowed by slow.

After doing all the running she had to do we finally made it to Heartbeats. Heartbeats is just this little small building close to downtown Newark that helps people plan and care for their pregnancy. I could just tell my sister was wishing that I was pregnant. “Now I am not the only sister in the family with a baby” she said. “Mom and dad cant look bad on me if they don’t look bad on you”, as she kept going. The only thing I could really say was “I know I am not pregnant, because it is just not the right time or the right guy”. All I could think about was “Why me? Why can’t she just pop out another kid?”

I walked into the small office filled with toys and pamphlets of information, and I just felt scared. The caring lady at the desk with black hair and glasses greeted us, and asked if she can help?”” I just need a pregnancy test please”, I asked. She gave me a couple forms to fill out and told me to have a seat as she wrote my name down. The wait was only about three minutes until the nurse with a smile on her face in the room called me back. She was a young girl with blond hair and was really light spoken. She was like a librarian working at her desk.

I walked back and had to weigh in then was led to a small room, where she sat me down. It was not a regular doctor’s office, but more of a room with a kitchen table in the middle with books on the outside walls. Then she told me what she was going to do. “I am going to have you pee in a cup and drop the urine in the test yourself, and I will just watch you take it”, she said. As I walked down the narrow but lightly painted hallways I was scared and did not know what to think. I went into the bathroom and peed into the cup. I carried the cup out and went and sat it on the counter right outside the bathroom where she told me.

The next part is when I found out that my life was going to be changed forever. I picked up the dropper and put a small drop of urine on the test. Anticipated for the results we both watched the test. With a smile on her face she said, “What does it look like to you”? I hesitated and said, “One line yes, I must not be pregnant.” “No I see another line, don’t you?” she said. My mouth dropped, and I just couldn’t believe that she saw another line. I saw the line, but I just didn’t want to believe her. She made me throw the trash away and put the test in a plastic baggy.

I went back to the room where I waited for her to come and talk to me. The first thing she said was, “Do you have any plans for what you are going to do with the baby?” “Plans? I don’t even want to be pregnant. How am I supposed to know already what I am going to do with it?” I said. I was in shock when I found out. I just stood there and almost looked like I couldn’t even think. She explained information about what I can do, help I can get, and the stuff I had to start doing when I am pregnant. I just there and let it go in one ear and out the other. “Are you sure the test is not wrong? What are the chances that I could have two wrong tests?” I asked. That was the main question on my mind; however, I just kept asking it in different ways and hopped that I would get a different answer. “It might be, so you can go to the real doctors and they will tell you the correct results, but it is 99% positive that you are pregnant”, the nurse kind of giggled out.

After we were done talking she let me pick out a pair of boots for the baby. The bootees were hand crocheted by an old woman and came in many different colors to choose from. So I picked the most neutral color, and that was green. She also told me my due date was July 25th, 2009. I walked out to the waiting room and just looked at my sister and said, “Yep, I’m pregnant, so let’s go home.” I had to come back that following Monday to pick up my proof of pregnancy.

The rest of the day I just thought about me being pregnant. It didn’t ever sink in to my head that I am about to be a mother, and still today I don’t think it has sunk in to the fullest. It probably won’t sink in until I have the baby actually come out and have to care for it myself. My plans still are not the greatest but I am trying to improve them as I go along. Just for now my intentions are to keep the child and care for it myself. I will have to get another apartment and get a job, but all that can be done. My mother and the rest of my family intend to help, so it might turn out to be an all right situation.

As I look at my pregnancy now I can actually think more about the idea. I am not so scared of “What are people or my parents going to think about this?” because I have told they and they are more than willing to help. I have to stay in school and maintain a job during all this. My parents see everything I have to do and think that I will do great. It may be hard to be an unprepared parent at this age, but I have to get everything ready. I know that I am not like the mothers that go into the pregnancy with the room, support, items needed all before they may even get pregnant. I have thought about and I am not like the mothers that have the baby and don’t have anyone or anything either. I am just about in the middle where I got a lot of stuff just I am more scared that I won’t make the best mother I could possibly be.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Doctors Visits

I had my third doctor’s visit today, and it was very short. I always thought that the pregnancy doctor appointments were going to be very in depth, but I guess I was wrong. I mean I had to get my blood drawn and then one exam done on the first visit, although that was ruff nothing else has been. One the second and third one everything are about the same.

All that happens in that you walk into the bright office and have a seat. Then you wait for the nurse to call you back. This is an office were you get to know all the nurses and the doctors in the office. All of them are very friendly and there are not that many of them. So the chances of you getting the same nurse are possible. Then the doctor is the one that delivers your baby. He is on call so it is good you get to know him.

Well after I got called back I went and had to pee in a cup and also weigh myself. Then the nurse that called me back, which I had never seen before told me to have a seat in the number 2 room. I have only been in room 1 and 2 on all my visits so I don’t even know if there’re any more. Then she took my blood pressure and told me that everything came back good on my blood results. She told me to stay seated and the doctor will be right in.

Now this is the first time I got to meet with my doctor, and he seems to be like a pretty descent guy. He was also the one that delivered my sisters two kids. All the doctor did was measure my stomach and use a machine to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. It is a small device that you roll over my stomach till you find the heartbeat. Now the doctor was not too funny but also very talkative. He made everything seem all good, and talk much joy in discussing a new baby almost making it seem like things were going to be fine.

As he listened to the heartbeat he said it sounded like a boy. I asked if he could really tell and he said no and laughed. The only reason he thought that was because the normal heartbeat was a little faster and that I was carrying low. A lot of times he said that boy’s heartbeats are faster and that they also tend to carry more low.

After all that was done my doctor told me that was all. Then he told me that I was going to come back in 5 weeks so that I could do my ultrasound, because then I would be 20 weeks long. So I walked out and scheduled my next appointment then left. That must be all there is to a doctors visit.